chiles rellenos

Okay, Wasn't it Cinco de Mayo recently?

Whatever, it's always Cinco de Mayo in my life, since I'm pretty sure I spend 50% of my life pretending that I'm Mexican.

Let me poorly imitate a cuisine classic que me encanta.

Enter chiles rellenos inautenticos.  For the lazy.

Yeah, that lazy.

 Also known as "cheating".

And that.  Although this is Kroger brand and all wrong, it's cheaper than imported and the label is in Spanish, rite??

Still not exactly Aaron Sanchez-approved.

 

 Just look.

 

Eh, throw it in, whatever whatever.

Light everything on fire  

Decorate.

Consume; act like you just beat America in futbol; don't tell anyone that what you're covering up with Herdez salsa is actually factory processed.   ¡Buen provecho!

Galbi Jjim

In the grand tradition of pretending like I know anything about other countries, I have selected "Korean" as a flavor palate for Saturday's game night fare.

[On a side note, game night= what happens to you when you are a couple. You end up seeking other couples to do activities that involve staying in. An ethnic cooking challenge and elaborate beer tasting menu become your only consolation that you might still be somewhat young/hip or adventurous.]

Galbi Jjim is Korean for tender beef short ribs with a delectable glaze of East Asian flavors.

You see, the Koreans have developed this exotic and mysterious food ritual where they smoke ribs on the grill using a tangy thick brown sauce mainly composed of sugar, onions, salt, and spices.

Image from Grit

It's really weird.

Being a formerly-lifelong vegetarian, my venture into something as ubiquitous as good ol' BBQ is, by necessity, just as anthropological as it is culinary.

Image from Travellious

Sometimes I feel like an outsider even in my own country.

"You've NEVER had barbecue ribs?!" a girl from Austin, Texas asked me incredulously. About eight months after I had, at the age of 19, literally taken my first bite of chicken ever.

"No, I've never had barbecue. I don't even really know what that is."
My parents were Yankees. In addition to being raised on Taco Bell Gordita Supremes with beans instead of the meat (you can just imagine the hundreds of confused cashiers), what exposure would I have had to ribs on our northbound drives to visit family?

"What about when you GO to a barbecue?"
I guess barbecuing in Texas is about as popular as, well, barbecuing in Kentucky. Except not at my house.

"At cookouts we always ate Smart Dogs®."

I guess if you have any frame of reference for imitation meat, or even just click on the link for Smart Dogs®, you'll know just how hilarious and preposterous that is.

Being as accidentally mis-cultured as I am, I am somehow more comfortable trying a recipe from the other side of the earth than I would be venturing into the sacred folklore of what is, for the vast majority of folks, a down-home American tradition.

Saying that I'm eating Galbji Jjim or Bulgogi makes me feel as if my totally dense and meaty dinner plate is somehow more sophisticated. I got the ingredient list from NPR, for Buddha's sake.

Fine. It's well established that I am all backwards in life. Let's skip down to the pictures.

Marinating...

Browning...

Daikon is really, really fun.

With honey and chili paste.

Pretty

Stewing in the pan with the chili daikon and marinade, then later sprinkled with baby bok choy and chopped leeks

Note: I did not fire up the grill. These ribs were actually braised in the oven for about 3 hours on low heat. The first time I made them I used the crock pot, which is still the fan favorite.

[the photos are blurry because i was eating it so fast!]

Half of the daikon I cubed and braised with the beef and marinade, and the other half I grated into my citrus carrot salad.

Carrot salad

About 3 carrots, 1/2 of a large daikon radish, and a bit of purple cabbage and white onion grated finely, stirred together and seasoned with chopped cilantro, rice vinegar, white sugar, sesame oil and key lime juice.



Tomorrow, maybe we'll tackle this totally enigmatic phenomenon known as "barbecued ribs and cole slaw." Naaawww, I may not be ready for that.

Brefiss: a photographic journey

good morning, food.

let me admire you for a second before i convert you into energy.










(leek and feta cheese omelette)


#nonstick pan;
#juliachild

Can you can it? Feed Yo Self attempts to feed others

Folks, today is officially The Holidays. It's December 23rd, which I like to think of as Christmas Eve Eve.
There are many ways one may spend Christmas Eve Eve. For the non-procrastinators, the ones who have a God-given tendency to think and to plan things, this may be a day of rest. Your shopping is done, you have wrapped each of your gifts (or paid someone to wrap them in conspicuous, brand-associated paper), and at this point, all that awaits you is a big meal and a whole three days to not change out of your bathrobe.
I even hear tell of some constituents of the planning sort who, even after their shopping is complete, go so far as to spend their Christmas Eve Eve at the Mall. Out of hatred for humanity, I can only presume.
From the self-satisfied perch of a massage chair, the frantic idiots running around at the mall must be pretty funny.

I am one of those frantic idiots.

The only difference is that my staunchly non-materialistic immediate family members would balk at the idea of anyone (especially anyone blood-related to them, the horror) purchasing an earthly item from The Mall in their name.

They would look at me like this.

Charlie Brown Christmas, things have gone too commercial, I get it.
I'm not opposed to it.

It just means that I, the eternal procrastinator, invariably end up spending Christmas Eve Eve not running through the mall, but rather, having to reach into the farther depths of the creative pit in my brain.

That, and a lot of running with scissors.
Also, in this case, kitchen knives.

Without further ado, I will present to you my day's attempt at making something edible, and (hopefully) delicious, for my parents.

Like last year, I am going with preserves. (Everyone likes preserves. They are good on toast.)

Last year = Pomegranate Lemon with Mint Marmalade; Mandarin Orange Spice.
This year = other stuff.

¡Entonces!

Hippie Parent Christmas gift #1:
Sweet Onion Marmalade

I adapted this recipe, which adapted this recipe.
Reading the comments has been helpful. First of all, I way reduced the amount of oil and butter, since people have said that it has a tendency to settle at the top. Ew. Super unappealing. This is why I can't eat organic peanut butter. It's a problem, and it can be fixed.
For the butter I used only clarified butter, which may be purchased in the Indian section under the name Cow Ghee. It has all the flavor of butter, and maybe less of the heart disease and cellulite. Not sure about that one. But, at least, no milk solids that settle atop your onions.

I used gold and white onions rather than red. Doubled the amount of chili flakes, because I know they can handle it. I also dashed in small amounts of both sesame oil and soy sauce. Both make a big difference, and go well with the elements of vinegar and heat.
Hope it don't taste overwhelmingly Oriental for the rest of the ingredients, but we'll see.

out of the fire and back into the frying pan

Finally, I omitted the port, because a) what is that, and b) I am not The 1%.

It tastes like...caramelized onions. Tangy, spicy caramelized onions. The wine and the balsamic have imparted on the onions a wonderful, deep sweetness.

A Christmas success?

...On to the next one!

Hippie Parent Christmas gift #2:
Plum Cabernet Jam

Just uttering the name of this one makes sugar plum fairies dance across your tongue.

I am adapting this recipe, which isn't exactly what I want (they use golden plums and a rosé), but for some reason the above recipe was all Google could find. WHY? I say. Why haven't more people tried to make this?
The flavors should go so well together! So, here is where a little experimentation comes in.

(Experimenter's) Pro Tip #1:

I am using plums in a can.

Ew, why?

Easier.

Plus, I really like the irony of taking a canned good and making it into another canned good. Besides, this person used canned plums for sorbet, and it still looks pretty tasty. So why not give it a try? God knows they're not in season. I didn't even know you could get canned plums, but here they are sitting right in front of me. Here we go...

I got a $5 bottle of cab-sav called Stone Cellars, which tastes surprisingly decent for the price. Simmered it with just a baby sneeze of lemon juice and a fairy dusting of cinnamon and ground cloves, which results in a most enticingly sweet aroma.

If mulled wine didn't stain your
clothes so bad, I'd wear it as perfume.


Next, time to dissect the contents of these cans. We've got syrup...

And we've got plums...

Which have... pits.

Curveball.

One of the Three Wise Men bearing gifts to Baby Jesus once said that plum pits were a good source of natural fruit pectin. [ Fruit pectin = the stuff that makes your jelly different from fruit juice with extra pulp. ]
But, I don't have time for measuring and stuff, and I sure as hell don't have any cheesecloth, so, I am just going to go the Wal-Mart route and use artificial pectin. Yup. Steering clear of anything sustainable, efficient, or natural.

"git them goddamn pits outta my can of plums"

Anyway, pour out the syrup, put the plums in the wine, boil it down, yada yada yada...

Oh!
I can't believe I have been leaving out the best part! How you get all this mess into a can!

Well, it's a little bit of this...


And then, I use a stock pot instead of a canner so it's a little bit of this...

but these are the two most important things you want to remember:

A Canning Lesson from a Novice Canner

1) Splash boiling water everywhere and burn yourself
2) Make sure to pour most of the can's contents down into the stove's back right burner.

That's it! It's easy as pie.

(Actually, they should say it's "easy as canned preserves". Pie is fucking hard.)

I hope you all go out there and make your own jams and jellies now, so that I have to think of a better Christmas present next year.

Smoked Salmon Deviled Eggs

I made these today using Ina Garten's recipe. The only thing was that I didn't have access to salmon roe (weirdly). Other than that, samesies. Oh, and I added capers for some reason at the last minute.


The result: a little salty. The smoked salmon bit was delicious, and overall a good idea, but next time I won't add ANY extra salt (or heavily salty ingredients, like capers).

I do feel like royalty eating them, though. That's always a big plus.

ignore the real cooking part for one second

Guess what I just did?
I made a salad, and then I took 2,000 beauty shots of it.

Arturo Herrera, "Army of Vegetable Warriors"

How can I resist? Salad is one of the things I do best.

Having been vegetarian for the first 10/11ths of my life, (just double that fraction and you get # of years vegetarian /my age) I kinda think I know my way around a good salad.

And these days, while I certainly appreciate meat (seafood? yum. cows? yum. pork? YOM!),
I still don't really understand how to cook it.

Like that time I took home a thick slice of deli ham, cut it into squares, and then proceeded to heat it -thoroughly- in the frying pan.
...

In other words yes, I tried cooking something that had already been cooked.

Pre-cooked meat? What do you mean? How do you know? This is HARD!

We just all need to calm down, and make a salad.





Some people don't like salads, probably because they've been continually exposed to dried-out iceberg stalks and one paper-thin cucumber slice that needs to be smothered with a bucket of ranch before it tastes like anything.

and that is just really, really sad for the reputations of things like... mizuna, and escarole.

That's right.

Big shout-out to my salad green FACTS!

"Escarole: succulent and slightly nutty; best used with fruits, nuts, lettuces and greens of all kinds."
--as quoted on the "Salad Greens" poster that's tacked up on my wall without a frame like it's the 1997 No Doubt centerfold in Tiger Beat.

(true story.)

now, I don't have any of that shit.

But I do have watercress.

Watercress is a great idea! Spicy and delicately small, watercress is a delightful surprise in the way of leafy green vegetables.
My poster says it goes great with citrus. I will have to agree, after trying a new salad dressing recipe. Are you ready for a great one? I made it up.

1 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 Tbsp dijon mustard
2 tsp creamy horseradish
2 tsp honey
1 Tbsp lime juice
2 Tbsp olive oil
2 Tbsp chopped green onions

Mix it all up in a bowl with a fork. It's faaabulous!

Okay, now are you ready for the grand reveal of the salad? It's edgy. It's breathtaking. It's whimsical. It seems so easy, you'll wonder why you didn't think of it, and then you will slam down $1 billion to buy the copyright off me. (that's still a lot of money, right guys? wall street bitches better occupy my kitchen, cause ima be making the big bucks here in a minute.)

Here it is.

Ya surprised? Disgusted? Tickled?
Whaddaya think?